I have been thinking quite a lot lately that whether I should make my
blog a little more personal. I have been reading most of my friends’ blogs and am
quite impressed with the things they get to share such as travelling and part
of their lives. So, the thought came to me. However, I also wanted to keep my
identity quite to myself and maybe be a little more anonymous like the Gossip
Girl kind of thing. And so, maybe I’ll just share a bit and remain anonymous at
the same time, cause or else who would want to visit a blog that only offers
songs, lyrics and maybe some cheap movie review. People want something that
they can add to their lives. Well here goes….
For starters, today I officially started school….. again. The break was
so short that it felt like nothing and just days passing by. But yet, I did
enjoy the hols quite a bit cause I did get my rest but sick at the same time.
Back to the story, I had to wake up before the sun rose and rush to class like
all typical students. Cause it was a season of new intakes, there were
definitely a lot of new faces around and of course none that I knew. To be
honest, I felt so lost like I’m in a totally new place. The rush came to my
brains that I totally have to get to class a.s.a.p.
Well guess what, there goes the rest of the day. I was feeling extremely,
superbly anti-social. I din knew why but it just felt like I was gonna die or
something like that. Along the day, I met a few as in maybe just a few of my
old schoolmates. As usual, I was trying to be friendly and just greet them like
anyone would have but deep inside I was like, what am I supposed to do, what
should I talk, I had zero idea till it was so awkward, just standing there and
they had to end it like “ya, I’m fine, its ok, you can go if you’re busy”. That
actually made me felt oh god, what have I done, seriously!!
To be honest, I’m a total jealous of all the rich su****s out there, having rich parents like nobody’s business while the rest of us have to work
our as*** off. Why on earth does God have to do this? There’s a definite trade
off in all the things we do but they seem to get off with better ones. Ya, the positive
me would definitely say, God is always fair, appreciate the things He already
gave you, a healthy body, food to eat, shelter to live under, a chance to
study, what else do you want, be contented. The positive me has been convincing
myself with the same excuse/reasoning for uncountable times now. Not sure when
that’ll wear out though, hope it doesn't.
Lately there’s so many cases about youths suicide by jumping down a building
or a place high enough to die. When you are in situations where you feel like
there isn’t any alternatives you can take, all you want to do is just end it and
don’t wanna give a f*** about it, jumping down a building really does seem like
the easier choice cause all you gotta do is just close your eyes and jump, feel the wind aka titanic. Maybe they did get the idea from titanic or maybe from the movie 3 Idiots where Raju tried to suicide. Believe
me cause I have definitely had that experience, the thinking part of course, or
else I wouldn’t be writing about it. The feeling really sucks all your soul and
brain and you would do anything just to end it. As easy
as jumping down a building would seem, it always seemed to be the stupidest
choice on earth. I think most suicide victims must have thoughts like these before “What
happens after I die? Would there be many people mourning my death? Would there be
anyone who would remember me? Or Even when I’m dead, no one would know I
existed?”
Being an outcast definitely isn’t easy and even with efforts, you’ll
need extreme determination to get through the stage. Without external help, I
wouldn’t think a normal teenager would make it through. Parents actually play a
supremely important role, especially in observing their children’s changing behavior.
Parents that were observant enough would definitely see something wrong in
their children like they were gonna suicide or something like that. Adults
would definitely think, why are children today so stupid and they just had to make
their parents suffer even after so many years of love and care. And behind all those theory, all the child only
wanted was actually some love and care that parents thought they were supplying
so sufficiently. Guess what think again!!!
Back to the topic, castle walls. There’s this song called Castle Walls by
T.I. feat Christina Aguilera. I think it totally describes how I feel.
Everyone thinks that I have it all
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls
These castle walls
If I should tumble if I should fall
Would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle
walls
There's no-one here at all, behind these castle walls
See what I mean. Seeing back those people made me kept
thinking what was I supposed to do? Do you know the feeling of fear about showing
your weakest points and then being let down later. I’m so afraid of opening
doors and gates for bridges to connect but yet I’m so lonely and scared,
shivering behind those walls. I always thought that there wasn’t anybody out
there, but even if there was, would I be brave enough to open those doors. The
answer, I’m not sure myself. So, do you think I would or I should?
Anyway, the fact that I know I can’t end my life on purpose,
what I could only wish is that this pain can just end as fast as possible. I
know I would regret not having to enjoy these times, but after some serious
consideration, I would prefer that time could have moved a little faster.
To all those troubled youths out there, just a word of
advice, I’ve been there, suicide is definitely not the only way, and there is
always another road you can take. It’s up to you whether you have the guts to
go through it or not. Although it’s not a road you’ve always dreamed of but it’s
definitely another road worth taking rather than just ending it right at the
intersection, where there’s a choice that you could’ve taken. Give yourself
some courage and hope in believing that one day, things will go your way. Think about the people who still cared and their feelings if you just gave up and end life just like that. As
long as you persevere, as long as you’re still living, that one day will definitely
come.
Blogging is definitely a good therapy and its actually
why I’m doing it. There’s some fun it in that helps release the stress and yet at
the same time it may bring some joy to those who read it. Now, after expressing
much bout today, I guess I’m feeling much better. So, to you and me, let’s work
hard together and build the life we have always wanted.
Doughing off for now, XOXO... Sunny DOugh. =)
